You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
