i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
