ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
