just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
