The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
