I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
