when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
