I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
