im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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