dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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