I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Randomize
