Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It's no shave November. This is our time.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
