I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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