i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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