i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
my shit smells like andre
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
