Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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