remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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