i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
