I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
