When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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