u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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