theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
