Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
