Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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