I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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