Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
