So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
