She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
