Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
