In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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