My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
