where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
