i was born a porn star she said
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
