I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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