Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
