I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
