Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
