i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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