The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
