I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
