I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
