i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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