I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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