I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Im part way to drunk.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
