The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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