fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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