Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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