i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
