My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
home. puking in laundry basket.
where does the pee come out of this thing
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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