I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
